I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
