Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
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Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You made out with two different species that night
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Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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