Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
