Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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