i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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