hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
