Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
