I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
