I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
zippers are such a cool invention
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
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Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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