First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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