Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
