At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
True but thats because hes a fetus.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
