My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
