hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
