why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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