God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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