Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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