theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
