Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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