I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
