Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
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