but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
