He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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