It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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