pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
