Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
