mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
