haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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