Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
