I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
