I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
