Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
