He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
