Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
