Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
