made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
