my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
