I can tuck mytits in my pants
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
