Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
