someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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