I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
