I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
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I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
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I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I know where his drugs are but not my pants