But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
