my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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