just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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