my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
