I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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