I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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