mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
