Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
