Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
