I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
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I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
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I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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