____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
