It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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