I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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