Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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