So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
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That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
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People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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