i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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