So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
