Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
this just has baby written all over it
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
